Review: Jonah Hex

72 minutes. The lamest, saddest, and worst spent hour and twelve minutes I have ever wasted in my entire life. Jonah Hex isn't just an awful movie, it's so bad that the only thing redeeming about the ENTIRE thing is that it is only 72 minutes of time that you will waste if you mistakenly wonder into the hell that is this piece of cinema shit. I mean seriously, I don't know where to start.

Summary: Jonah Hex watches his entire family slaughtered by John Malkovich's character who I refuse to give the respect of naming, then J Malk brands his face with the fucking KC Masterpiece logo. Hex mourns for 5 minutes, decides BBQ logos aren't his style and burns the fuck out of his face which turns the brand into a charred up cheek vagina. This leads to him mounting up on a horse with machine guns on the side for one scene, as he becomes the Punisher's lesser half-brother. Not to mention that he meets up with Megan Fox who should fire her speech coach, because instead of the western saloon girl, her voice has made her the retarded hooker from Tennessee.

{face vagina}

Fuck this movie. Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex mumbles every damn line to the point where I needed subtitles to understand anything he said, not to mention anytime he walked into a saloon, store, house, etc. the nearest person has to say "Hex". I mean is that Jonah Hex's magic demon power? Making people say his name? Oh no sorry, he can talk to dead people, there we go that makes a hell of a lot more sense right? Megan Fox sucks. Malkovich sucks worse. Will Arnett is a pointless cameo. Fassbender (300, Inglorious Basterds) is barely passable. The plot has dead ends, and even the soundtrack is a piece of shit. Sets are ok I guess, but it looks like Wild Wild West only it is probably better (Wild Wild West that is).

Please god avoid this movie at all costs, it is a waste of money, time, and honestly you would have more fun reading your fucking chemistry text books. It is stupid, half hearted, and should be sent to the cinema graveyard asap.

Pros

-none

Cons

-awful movie

-fans of the comic should be offended

Verdict

0 shots

(hand me the gun, I'm blowing my fucking brains out)